New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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