This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
