I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Apparently you make a good broom.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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