If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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