I think i peed on brittanys purse
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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