Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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