please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
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every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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