I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
