just come out here and I will go home with you...
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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