I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
