I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
