I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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