Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
