I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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