Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
