I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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