when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He has the fingertips of a God
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
