does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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