I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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