I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
