I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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