I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
