When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
