I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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