I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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