Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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