Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
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You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
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What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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