remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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