just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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