what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
