if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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