Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
