Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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