Your favorite bartender is back from prision
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
