im drinking this country out of the recession.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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