I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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