god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
