i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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