Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
