when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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