dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
