woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
