I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
