I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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