is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
