I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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