ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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