Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
