Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
