Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize