if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
