Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
