Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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