Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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