Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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