I never want to see another naked old woman again.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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