watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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