The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
