I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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