I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
